


How to Seduce, But Not Destroy

by Jennifer-Oksana (JenniferOksana)



Category: 30 Rock
Genre: Banter, F/M, Friendship, Het, Kissing, Past Relationship(s), Relationship Advice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-03
Updated: 2015-10-03
Packaged: 2018-04-24 15:04:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4924195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JenniferOksana/pseuds/Jennifer-Oksana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Liz decides to try it Jack’s way. And by it, I mean sex and love and all that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How to Seduce, But Not Destroy

Jack knows. “You had sex with Dennis,” he says about two days after the McCain fundraiser.

“Blerg,” Liz replies, quite maturely. “I told him no when he tried to marry me. And when he tried to throw me under a subway train.”

“Yes, but you went on a date with him, and because I know that you would rather go to New Jersey than to Dennis’s apartment, chose to let him into your apartment, get naked…” and Jack pauses. “Lemon, you did have the dignity to make him take his socks off, didn’t you?”

It’s official: Liz is a complete loser.

“That is none of your business,” Liz manages to snap before groaning. “I hate men. And no, I am still not gay.”

“No, and trust me, the lesbians talk amongst themselves. Even if you were going to try again, you’re a no-dater among the lesbians of Manhattan,” Jack says, shaking his head. “Thomas put you on ourchart.org to make sure no woman in the city got trapped in your web of almost-lesbian lies.”

“Seriously?” Liz asks, because she’s about to cry. And maybe assault a lesbian, because what’s up with the hate? It is not her fault Jack set her up with a lesbian! How come she’s persona non grata among the lesbians, and not Jack for being a presumptive mega-douche? “Now I wish I were dead.”

“I’m sure that Dennis could give you that slow death if you’re serious,” Jack says mercilessly. “You should have come to the fundraiser. The testosterone alone could have gotten you pregnant and lowered your taxes.”

Liz points a finger at Jack. “ _No_ ,” she growls savagely. “I screwed Dennis while he wore Yankees socks and tried to get me to say ‘hero’ every time he said ‘subway’ while he was doing it. There IS a lower place, and it’s dating your creepy rich asshole friends.”

“Or getting very drunk and singing karaoke in public?” Jack asks pointedly.

Double blerg. He’s heard about Liz’s being dragged out by Jenna to ‘get the hell over Dennis’ and how after three daiquiris, she’d kicked Jenna off karaoke and started singing Avril Lavigne.

Everything up until the part where she’d actually demanded to sing “Girlfriend” AND knew all the words despite being drunk could have been lived down.

But no, when Liz busted out with, “And hell yeah, I’m the motherfuckin’ princess,” Jenna got this look on her face and it was all over.

“Jenna took video,” Jack says. “You did the dance from the actual Avril video. She also put it up on YouTube.”

“I fail at everything and should declare myself asexual,” Liz replies with a sigh. “Even if I did date your least evil friend, I would screw it up.”

Jack smacks her hand, and before Liz can protest, is shaking his head. “No. That’s quitting, and while you may fail every day, Liz Lemon doesn’t quit,” he says. “Now listen to me. Your problem is that you have awful taste in men and no comprehension of how to seduce one. So when you end up having inevitably mediocre sex, it’s because you have accidentally collided with a man, or because he has seduced you, and your posture screams that you’re a woman vulnerable to confidence games, but that once you realize it, you will harangue until the casual sex is no good.”

Liz sighs. “Thank you for shredding what’s left of my confidence. Do you think I could become a nun? I’m sure I could smack hands with rulers and not fail at it,” she says.

“Lemon, stop defeating yourself,” Jack says. “The first rule of men is that anything nice a man does for you is based on the fact that the man would have sex with you.”

Liz rolls her eyes. “So when Pete helps me move a heavy prop, it’s because he’d do me?” she asks.

“Yes, if his wife and morality weren’t in the way,” Jack says. “And if you were actively trying to seduce him, you could manage it. He’d never seduce you, because that’s wrong and gross. But behind every benevolent act of man toward woman is the faint possibility of intercourse.”

“That’s horrible. I don’t believe you,” Liz says.

“Whether you believe it or not, it’s how you need to behave. Any man who smiles at you wants you,” Jack says. “Speaking of seduction, do you know how to seduce a man?”

This is getting worse and worse, because it’s so inappropriate, and yet Jack has all these practical points in there. Damn it.

“Get undressed and smile?” Liz asks.

“Let me guess,” Jack says with a groan. “You lost your virginity on Prom Night with the yearbook editor, who had a full set of braces and whom you had never guessed before that night masturbated to you every night?”

Ewwwww. “He was the photo editor of the school paper,” Liz mumbles. “I hate you, by the way. Do you really need to make me feel like an idiot all the time?”

“No,” Jack says. “I am trying to suss out why an intelligent, quirky, and utterly unobjectionable-looking woman thinks that the _subway hero_ is the best she can do. I’ve concluded that it’s your utterly inability to recognize that you need to believe in your own seductiveness. And to find a lover who can overcome your adolescent squeamishness about sex based on mediocre past boyfriends.”

Wait. He’s being nice to her. By Jack-rules, that means Jack would sleep with her. But only if Liz got him past his issues with that, which is his whole executive, _I’m Jack Donaghy and I only have sex with congresswomen and models and Shakira_ crap.

Well, Liz’ll show him. She can totally seduce Jack, and then he’ll freak, and then she can get out of his lecture with some pride.

So instead of being grossed out, Liz smiles sheepishly. “That sounds kind of nice,” she admits, playing with her hair. “I mean, a little patronizing, maybe?”

“The point is not to focus on the teaching aspects,” says Jack. “Though it’s very flattering for a man, to have a woman believe he’s talented enough in sexual passion to make her want to try again.”

Liz leans forward and taps her finger on her mouth, like she’s thinking about this. “So the guy gets an ego boost for being Casanova and I get…?”

“Multiple climaxes and badly needed confidence that men do indeed want to see you naked,” Jack says. “And perhaps the understanding that there should be no more Dennises in your life.”

It’d be nice to be able to tell Dennis to suck it the next time he comes sniffing around. Especially if she can say it because Liz has a real boyfriend who takes his socks off and doesn’t try to do it doggy-style so they can watch TV while doing it.

She rubs her neck quickly. Ick, she has a nasty cramp up there. Liz bets Jack’s super-awesome theoretical boyfriend would rub her neck and shoulder and not make fun of her sore upper arm from all the mouse use.

“I don’t know where to start,” says Liz, half smiling and biting her lip. “I mean, you give me all this good…if weird and profoundly non-professional…advice, but then I resolve–” ooh, she’s getting good at this, she perks up and pushes her boobs out right at Jack when she says resolve, “To seize the day and the boy, and then I end up watching _Gene Simmons Family Jewels_ and having a little crush on Nick.”

Jack seriously licks his lips. Not exactly a sexy lick, more like his mouth is a little dry, and he needs a second to not stare at her boobs.

“I am considering overstepping professional boundaries,” he says. “Because I agree that you fall prey to this dilemma, and I can’t rely on a Floyd to fall into your orbit this time. Floyd has his own weaknesses, as well.”

Liz sinks into the couch. “I liked Floyd,” she says with a sigh. “I always thought I’d marry a guy like Floyd, but I couldn’t even imagine living in the Cleve with him. How am I supposed to get married to someone I wouldn’t follow to Cleveland?”

“I met Bianca at a dinner party,” says Jack. “I considered accidentally locking her in the bathroom so that no one else could look at her. Just in case I was wrong, and she didn’t want to go home with me. Passion is ugly, Lemon. It makes you insane. It makes you…”

Liz is breathing pretty hard. Wow. When did _that_ happen? Especially because she’s leaning forward and licking her lips. And Liz is pretty sure she’s not faking.

“It makes you spite people with good advice because you can’t stand that he’s right again,” she half-growls.

“Precisely,” Jack says, putting his hand on her knee.

“I was faking it, just now,” Liz says. “Because you were being nice to me and you said no man can do that without wanting to have sex, so I was going to prove you wrong by trying to seduce you and failing. Because usually, I like when you’re wrong. But now if you’re wrong, I am going to be really, really pissed.”

He slides his hand up her leg and instead of being embarrassed, Liz is kind of mad and kind of hot, and kind of ready to just bite through Jack’s lip.

“You’re a horrible faker,” Jack says. “And if we’re going to continue, then I don’t want to hear about this being my idea.”

Liz grabs the back of Jack’s head and pulls him forward. “Shut up. Kiss me,” she says. “Or I’ll freak out and I don’t want to do that.”

He kisses her. Oh, boy, he kisses her, like there’s nothing he wants more, not even another ten million dollars or President McCain, than to have his tongue in her mouth and her hand in his hair.

And Liz just practically glues her mouth to his, because there isn’t anything she wants more. She wants to see if it’s better, tearing off clothes and being angry and wanting to bite things. Jack seems to like her sucking on his lower lip and using her teeth.

Liz really likes the part where he’s sucking on her earlobe now, because her earlobe is ticklish and she squeaks and they are really awkwardly placed for extended kissing.

“Tell me what you want,” Jack says.

“Not to fall down,” Liz says. “And also all the stuff you just promised me. Multiple climaxes. Forty percent less ick to sex. And very much, you need to make me feel okay about getting naked in front of you.”

“I don’t know if I can do all of that in the building,” Jack says, balancing Liz on one of his legs. “But if that’s what you want, Lemon, it’s what you get.”

“I want all that stuff I just said,” Liz says solemnly. “Also, probably not in the building, because I work here and it would be awkward if we got caught having hot monkey loving by Jonathan, or worse, Kenneth.”

Jack makes it really hard to not want to get caught by dragging his fingers over her cleavage like it’s awesome. Liz feels really awesome in general, right now.

“I would rather lock the door and have at it on the desk,” and oh, maybe that is a good idea, maybe next time they can do that, “But discretion is a far better motto. It will relax you and that will make my job much easier.”

His thumb keeps moving up and down over her breast and Liz keeps not paying attention to anything else. “Yes. Our game plan is brilliant,” she says. “Where are we going to go?”

“Somewhere with a bed, a locking door, and nobody looking for us,” Jack replies, deciding to go to nuzzling her neck.

“Long Island?” Liz says, trying to think, which is hard as she’s really into what Jack is doing to her.

“Bold, but banal,” says Jack. “I like it. I was going to suggest my apartment, however. It’s closer and we can take a car.”

“And nobody will come looking for us?” Liz says. “Because that’s the important thing. Besides the promised stuff and the sex.”

“Yes,” says Jack. “Still with me?”

Liz kisses him again, steadying herself on the back of the chair so she doesn’t fall.

“That means yes,” she says when she comes up for air. “Let’s go.”


End file.
